Oliver Brann

How To Serve Up VIGILANTE JUSTICE On Public Transport

**CRIMES are in bold with their corresponding CORRECTION beneath.**

As you get off the train someone on the platform is standing RIGHT in the middle of the doors.

Even though you don’t need to, knock into this eager beaver. Just a little bit. They need to understand that they are doing wrong.

Someone is standing on the walking side of the escalator.

Overtake them on the inside, return to their side and continue walking up. They’ll see everyone stood on the correct side. Now they know. 

They know! 

Beneath the table, someone’s feet are in your quarter of floor space.

Knock their feet and apologize. They will shift their feet. 

Now they know.

Someone is fighting to get to the door of a packed carriage in anticipation of their stop.

When they reach you tell them ‘I’m getting off too’ and don’t move a muscle. Let everyone else off first and calmly disembark. See? No need to panic. No need to disturb people. 

That was wrong.

There’s a man sitting next to you spreading his legs and invading your space.

Loudly tell your friend about a new genital shrinking STD which makes you spread your legs when you sit down. 

Explain how it also turns you into a COMPLETE IMBECILE.

It’s packed, but someone is not moving down into the available space.

Say ‘excuse me’. Awkwardly knock into them. Then go into the space. They’ll think ‘I should have just moved down’.

They know what to do next time!

Two people standing side by side are blocking your walk up an escalator.

Say ‘excuse me’. They’ll look up and down. They’ll begin to realise there’s a system…

They know they have done wrong! 

Someone’s low-quality headphones are spilling music.

When it comes to a loud part of the song, look them in the eye. 

For a bit too long.

They’ll turn it down. 

They know they have done wrong!

Someone further away runs and slips into the seat you were about to sit in.

Suck it up and pretend you don’t care. The public transport law of the seat is that the first person in it, rightfully gets it. Am I right??

I am right.

Someone sits right next to you in a virtually empty carriage.

Without hesitating, get straight up and sit as far away from them as possible. 

You have just sent a message: 

I  will not sit idly by whilst you breach THE UNWRITTEN CODE.


A bus overshoots putting you at the front of the queue, you were previously at the back of.

When the doors open, stand firm. Invite the old lady at the back (true front) of the queue to embark. She will have tears in her eyes, smiling. Nod at her. Others will help you sheperd people on in the order they arrived at the bus stop. Together, hold back the jostlers. Drive back their filthy chaos. Let them witness the way of THE UNWRITTEN CODE.


And they will know they have done wrong.